I’m writing this post two days late because I forgot when it was due.  Unfortunately, the online calendar I relied upon to keep track has been dismantled, the domain name now up for grabs.  It’s just a modern example of the inevitability of change.

Change and I have never been friends.  I tend to stick in ruts rather than forging a new path.  My life would probably be very different but for simple events that led me here, plodding along in their wake.

Oh, I make cosmetic changes, for sure.  I’ve gone through various phases, from conservative to goth in dress and attitude; exchanging talk shows for alternative rock on the radio.  The important matters, however, such as where to work and live, have been dictated by chance.

There have been no big dreams I took a chance on trying, just jobs found through temporary agencies and a house that limited the resulting commute.  Even my pets, whom I love dearly, have been virtually (in one case, literally!) dropped in my lap as strays.  It’s pretty sad, in retrospect.

But, on the bright side, I’m not dead yet.  Maybe there is a butterfly inside this shell, waiting for the right time to break free from its cocoon.  And despite temperatures in my boring, landlocked suburban neighborhood, the old fashioned wall calendar I’m looking at announces Wednesday as the first day of spring.

What better time to spread my wings?  Now if I can only figure out in which direction to fly.  I’ve never been a migratory creature.  Wish me luck.

3 thoughts on “Can You Spare Some Change?

  1. Byz. says:

    Wonder what you would imagine the most daring action to be, for you?

    I'm almost too scared to even delve into that deep water.

    Change is the most constant thing, it's always happening. You never know when it's about to happen to you. That's pretty exciting!

  2. I had to think about this, Byz. It's a good question. For me, the notion of moving to Japan and running a ryokan is about as daring as I can imagine. I dream of someday reforming myself like the fictional middle-aged housewife in the movie named for her, "Shirley Valentine".

  3. I don't like change either. I've created a lot of it in my life, though. I think, for me, it's about trying to be authentic to my inner voice. Either through small, incremental changes (such as small daily word count goals or drinking 8 cups of water a day) or through larger changes (moving across the country twice and this most recent move, while just upstairs, uprooted me after 14 years in the same flat), I have made changes in pursuit of my innermost urgings. I've done it despite negative support from my family of origin and despite the fear that they will be right and I'll starve to death.

    What I've learned for myself is that small changes add up. Big ones are too huge and potentially damaging. It might seem like moving upstairs is a huge step, but it's not: we've been discussing on and off for the last 5 or 6 years whether to get a bigger place, whether to buy a place or continue to rent, etc. I've always told my landlady that if the upstairs flat came available, we'd take it, then put it out of my mind. When it came available, it was perfect timing – my hub and I want to move to Seattle in the next 3 years, so this is a good interim place and allows us more space, me an office, and my son his own room to grow.

    I think you're doing the right steps for yourself. Folks are living longer these days and the average is 3 careers in a lifetime, whereas for our grandparents it was 1 career, retirement and, well, that was that. It's not like that these days. I'd say you've already integrated art into your life, through your poetry and photography blogs; now you're doing it more on the work-side with your retraining. That takes balls. But don't underestimate what you've done so far – raising a family is a huge accomplishment and that is something you can be proud of. You made six people that didn't exist without you. That is awe inspiring. The problem with the feminist movement and modern society is that we've forgotten and even denigrated the role of homemaker and that is a severe disservice to society. The home is the starting point of everything and those of us who chose that occupation, whether we work outside of the home for money concurrently or stay home full time, deserve our praise and admiration.

    I look forward to seeing what color your wings are, as you emerge into the new butterfly you. ~hugs~

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